I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
You saw nothing. I am ham.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
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10. He is a cat.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.