I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
He wanted to make sure😂