DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
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i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three