Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
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I know a bad idea when I see one.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
January has been Januweary
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
R.I.P.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time