My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
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We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
<- sleeps well with others