[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”