[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
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One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?