Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
KFC hitting the cannibal market
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.