Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
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[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
necessity is the mother of invention
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.