cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.