Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.