@My_Ego_Altered: I'm eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I'm a unicorn in human form.
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@tlcprincess: Man reading a book: hot Man with a baby: hot Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
@2tickytacky: I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she'd let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
@AlexRogaski: Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I'm not here.
@edgarrants: Telling my wife I'm taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.