@My_Ego_Altered: I'm eating a bottle of glitter so when I get drunk and throw up tonight people will think I'm a unicorn in human form.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: It's not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t. Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t. 4: Want to trade?
@Reverend_Scott: Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch? Oscar: Growing up, my parents were- *stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle* CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
@hippieswordfish: *erases 1 and writes 0 on the 'days without incident' chart at Earl's Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*