I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Bobby pin
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter