I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My neck, my back, my…
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.