ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
This made me chuckle.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.