I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.