I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
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Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Warm pools make me nervous.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.