I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
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Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
The Book. The Movie.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.