@ByYourLogic: i'm every guy who says he's taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later
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@: [dollar tree] CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars ME: get me the manager
@TheMichaelRock: My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I'm pretty sure the cashier thinks I'm making a girlfriend.
@daplusk: Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo] Me: what's wrong? Nephew: He scares me Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?