@ByYourLogic: i'm every guy who says he's taking a twitter break for mental health reasons and then returns 6 hours later
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@jwoodham: Never look down on anyone. Unless you're a lion cub named Simba and you're being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.
@petemandik: Scientists report global context shortage. "I guess I'll have flan," some scientist said, totally out of context.
@hazelmotes1: Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.
@Parentpains: If six years of marriage has taught me anything its that couches are surprisingly comfortable to sleep on.