You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
is this a threat
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.