Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
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how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’