I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
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[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
oh my god
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those