[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
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*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Human are so complicated
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.