I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
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me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Me too
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.