I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.