I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
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Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Liquor Store Parking
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.