Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.