I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
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Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.