I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
But wait…
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black