@jnrbtsn: I'm far too cute to only have one ex-husband.
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@CornerPubRon: When my new neighbor dies, I'm going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
@ericsshadow: Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
@thetits: COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off* [3 years later] COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…