@RidiculousSheri: I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [crumpled up paper on floor] *tries to flip it up like hacky sack* *tries to flip it up...* *tries to flip...* *tries...* *leaves it*
@AndyRuther: If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.
@Sickayduh: "Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger..." *sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat* *sigh* "and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?"
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.