@RidiculousSheri: I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.
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@AnkCoupleTO: I love picking out my wife's panties except this isn't my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
@AmishPornStar1: Life Tip: If you're ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
@Kyle_Lippert: 911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING "Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash"
@LetGoBeFreeDoU: Telling someone w/ depression things like 'Cheer up','Get over it','It's a state of mind', is like telling a blind person 'Just look harder'