I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
🤣
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?