I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all