@Jandalize: I'm fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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@HammerFist3: I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don't want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
@Ygrene: [Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this
@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
@SodomyClown: I don't kill spiders because when spiders become our mutant overlords and eat us, they will look at me and say, "She's cool. Let her live."