I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes