I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.