I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
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Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Lmaoo 😂
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?