I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein