I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
OH. COME. ON.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Don’t forget to tip your server
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it