I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
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my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.