I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin