I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I’ll be mad as hell!
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from