@KentWGraham: I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
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@jonnysun: job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre "dress for the job u want, right?" then just stare at them
@QwertyJones3: [first date] HER: Do you have any hobbies? ME: Yes! Wait, did you say "hobbits"? HER: No, hobbies ME: Oh, then no
@BiIIMurray: I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she's always down to pull her hair back and fight you.