I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
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That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?