I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
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Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
who wore it better?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.