I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE