I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven