I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
United Steaks of America
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.