“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.