I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶