“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.