I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
True
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan