@highwaytohelv: I'm getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there's a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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@KirstySykes96: actors kiss each other for like 7 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 4 months
@ilovepie84: My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
@papasuncle: God: Basically u just chill. Cow: Nice. God: I mean, at first. Cow: ...then? God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
@Crunk_Jews: [first date] Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once