sry
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Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher