Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
How I like cutting carbs
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.