@IwanWil: I'm getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.
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@daemonic3: Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
@hippieswordfish: kid doctor: [looking over charts] im not going to lie this is the worst case of cooties ive ever seen little girl: he said he'd been tested!
@alfageeek: Wife: We don't have anything planned today… Me: Cool! Wife: …so I was thinking we should… Me: (dammit)
@radtoria: if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free